Tuesday, August 30, 2011


At my school, the emphasis to date with the intention of marriage is strong. People are always pared off like Noah's Ark during any given season. The phrase "ring by spring" is tossed around often because it's incredibly true. My friend scale around here is slim compared to most, and even I know of a couple who met, became a couple, got engaged, got married, and are now pregnant and have known each other only slightly over one year now. To me... that's slightly ridiculous.

I am perfectly comfortable being single, it's what I've always known and I've grown quite used to it. I don't like answering to people, I don't like pretending to be interested in things I could care less about, I don't like having to tone down aspects of my personality (especially what I consider to be the best parts) to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex.

All of a sudden, I have several people wanting to hook me up. Now, I am flattered that they want me to be happy, but can't people see I am happy the way things are?? I am not opposed to the idea of having a boyfriend, but I am not looking for someone to complete my existence as much as compliment it. I feel like most people are looking for that "special someone" to help themselves feel better about life, give them meaning, or because they aren't content with themselves being alone. I am fine on all three accounts. I enjoy alone time, I have a positive outlook on life, and basing your whole "meaning of life" theory on one person is stupid because people aren't perfect. God is perfect and IS the meaning of life so why would you ever try to place that on someone who, no matter what, will eventually let you down?

I am lucky to have friend who care enough about me to try to find me someone that they think will "enhance" my life. I really am grateful for that. Do I think they will be successful at either 1.)finding someone who actually likes me? -No. 2.) finding someone who can stand me enough to hang out/go to random functions with me? -Maybe. BUT the real question is.... will they find someone I can stand/actually like?.

I have no interest in getting married until I am at least 25.
I have no interest in having children.
I don't like talking about cars, football, or basically sports in general.
I'm a closet nerd.
I dance like I'm having a seizure.
I have Polysystic Ovarian Syndrome so there is a good chance that I will "struggle" with infertility. It jacks with my moods and causes me to have no metabolism.
I randomly have outbursts of anger that I can't control. I have no desire to be an angry person but I literally cannot stop myself from being angry and if I don't get it out then it just gets worse later.

And why aren't they running down my door?....


Monday, March 21, 2011

Dream Crushers

When I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being a ballerina.
My parents put me into ballet when I was 2 and ever since then I have loved to dance.
Unfortunately, I quickly discovered that I was very different than the other little ballerinas.
I had wonderful dancing ability, loved to preform, and had long hair perfect for the bun.
But alas, thanks to my lovely father.... I was a chunky child.

The parents either did not realize the misfortune I felt or chose to ignore it. They literally fed the problem until I was in third grade and couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror against all the picturesque little girls.
I regretfully quit ballet at the age of 9 and have been dieting ever since.

My life has been a series of failed attempts of trying to make my odd-body shape look like a healthy girl.
No I am not morbidly obese, but being overweight is never a fun thing. I have been made fun of, been the butt of too many jokes, and been severely depressed for most of my life. And everytime I try to do something about it I end up failing.
Sure, things will go great for a few weeks. I may even lose 20 pounds. But slowly and surely, they creep back up again. To make matters worse, I have a thyroid issue. My thyroid decided, "hey, wouldn't it be funny to just slowly stop working and make this weird looking girl look even weirder??"

I have NO butt which everyone and their brother likes to point out (loudly, I might add).
My boobs are huge which causes unnecessary/unwanted attention from numerous creepers.
Since I have no butt, it makes me look disproportionate and since I have huge boobs it makes me look fatter than I am.

Buying any sort of clothing is an ordeal because of the above problems AND I am short-waisted.
I realize that there are many people out there who will probably think I am being petty and stupid for complaining about my body. And they are right.
I should be making the most of what God has given me since I could have been given a club foot or a hunchback or any numerous other debilitating problems.
Does being slightly overweight affect my dancing ability? Absolutely not.
Does it affect my self-confidence? Heck to the yes it does.

I wish that I could just use the "fake it till you make it" confidence that I normally prescribe all the time.
Sadly, somedays that just doesn't cut it. The days where I wake up to put on clothes that should be fitting me but for some reason beyond my control, just don't.
I try to eat well and exercise. I take my medicine for my thyroid and various other vitamins. I chose healthy options everyday.
But I am getting more and more depressed with my body and I know it will only get worse as I grow older.

I have been trying to have a positive self-body image but when people tell you their initial thoughts of you, boys don't talk to you, and you get passed over on jobs for prettier people, it does eventually wear you down.

Worrying about what people think of me is not high on my list of priorities. All throughout high school I had minimal drama because I could have cared less what people thought of my outfits, how I acted, or what I did. Because they knew I didn't care, no one really cared to make fun of me because they knew it would fall on deaf ears. But when they found out about something they knew bugged me, it would become "Pick on Savannah Day" and the insults and one-liners would fly.

I am not really sure where to go from here but I need to go somewhere.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Is it weird that my sister and I want our parents to get a divorce?
We have been talking about it for years and I had a dream last night that they sat us down and told us that they were getting one.
I just texted my sister about it and she thinks it is a sign.
Weird stuff man

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Life is Absurd

Lately I have been thinking about the pointlessness for romantic relationships in my life. Yeah, I hate being lonely, but I am also heartless and uncaring when it comes to other people's feelings sometimes. I like to be practical when it comes to things, and the lack of personal drama in my life is like a breath of fresh air. I have had my fair share of friend issues, and I can only imagine that relational issues are much worse. I don't really hold much trust in holding someone's attention for a nano-second until they find someone with smaller hips and a higher IQ.

Moving on, this was going to be longer but I am on my way to a celebratory dinner for my quadmate because she made RA! :)

More later.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Christmas Break

was pretty legit. I ventured into Dallas more than I ever have before and did a ton of fun and weird things! I saw a Lady Gaga tribute band play at the House of Blues, I went to a Mav's game and then watched newscasters tape ABC news right after that. I went line dancing twice, I saw a bunch of friends and family and cooked. I cleaned and decorated the house, spent time with my sister, shopped with my mom and drove everywhere. My biggest problem during break: having to see certain people from high school that are not really my friends anymore. Its hard because on one hand, I want to just talk to them and tell them all about what is going on in my life and ask all about theirs, but on the realistic side, I know I shouldn't give in. If they want to forget about our friendship entirely during the school year and replace me with other people, then fine. You don't want to talk during school? Cool. Then we won't talk during break. Especially when you don't believe me when I try to tell you important, life-changing information but you believe an unreliable source that constantly lies. Awesome. Whatever.

It is also hard when people ditch you during break, and then lie about it. Oh you have a "family emergency"? That's totally fine IF IT IS TRUE. You should probably make sure you visit a part of town that no mutual friends go so they can't see you and somehow tell people. Way to be sneaky. Maybe you should work on that. Or your lying skills. Either/Or.

OTHER THAN THOSE EVENTS, break was pretty legit. Minor family issues occurred, but all in all I had a ton of fun and was actually kind of sad to go back to LU.
But now that I am back at school, I feel like I've never left. I love it here and can't really imagine ever going anywhere else. I love the dynamic, most of the people, the weather and location, the atmosphere. And almost everything. I still hate some of the rules and the fact that my car is dead but that isn't the school's fault.

Today was the first day of classes and I only had math :) I hope Philosophy is not going to kick my butt :P or else I just might drop :) I hope all of my readers (which is like no one but creepers) had a great break too.


Saturday, December 11, 2010

Meaning of life, yada yada

Despite the fact that I have creepers on this blog, I will continue to post.

So tonight I watched "The Social Network" with my quadmate, Andrea, while my other quadmates took my actual roommate, Sarah, to the hospital. (Andrea and I decided that the room would be a little too crowded if we went, so we stayed).

Let me just say that this is now one of my new favorite movies. Aside from that, this post is about the song featured in the movie's trailer. It is the Vega Choir, from Sweden, singing "Creep" (as made famous by Radiohead. It caught my attention the first time I heard it because I already knew the song from having the original. I watched the movie tonight and heard it again, then found it on youtube. This haunting version of it makes me really pay attention to the lyrics and meaning behind it. I'm not sure if I have ever felt more of a connection to a song in a long while. Also the fact that it is called "creep" and was used for a movie about facebook just sort of reiterates the fact that it is perfect for me. I am the queen of facebook creeping. I can find people if they are hidden or even if I am not even looking for them. Kinda scary, I know. Someone should really hire me to do background checks for companies.

Anywho, the song talks about wanting to be perfect (or special) in several aspects of one's life and the sense of not belonging. Two things with which I have always struggled. Here are the lyrics (or go youtube the song, its greatttt)

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so f***king special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so f***ing special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so f***ing special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

So yeah. Pretty much sums up my existence.

I NEVER feel like I belong anywhere, even when I really like where I am. I think that's one reason why I just want to travel the world. Because as much as I enjoy settling in one place for a short while, I start to feel antsy. The need to leave always gnaws at my soul and forces me into feeling like a psycho when, in all rationality, I should feel completely fine. I CANNOT be the only person who feels like this, but sometimes it seems that way. Its hard for me to sit here and not think that at 19 years of age, I am wasted potential. My principal told me one time that someone said that if you don't make your first million by like 27(?) then you never would. I'm not saying that a million dollars is my goal, but the million dollar idea.... is. I want an idea that is world changing. Bigger than Facebook.

It would be easy for me to push the fault upon my parents, but I need to take some of the responsibility. Then I also need to realize that maybe I am not. Maybe there is some other plan for my life that I am not aware of yet, or that this is sort-of a (literally) real "life" scavenger hunt. I just need to follow God to find my clues. And then some days.... I just feel like giving up. That's when I need to wake up and realize that this adventure known as existence is so much greater than I realize.

Oh well.
Life goes on.
The rain keeps falling.
Entropy keeps attacking.
The water cycle goes about it's merry way.
And I, will always be crazy.
Only special men need apply for the job of caregiver.
Good day to you.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Creepers (of a different sort)

So I thought that no one read this. I only have 6 followers (listed) and I only post once in awhile. I posted a few days ago about some drama going down in my life, in an attempt to vent, never realizing that people that I barely ever talk to read this (I'm not sure where they got the link) and they now know facts about my life that I didn't want on display for the world to see.

I got a text earlier tonight from one of my friends from high school asking about the drama I was referring to in an earlier post. Once I write something, I forget about it. I had to boot up my laptop in an effort to see what was sooooo intriguing.
The drama in question is not even a big deal. If they were 1/2 as good at creeping as I am, then they would have already figured it out. I am just loving the fact that they had to ask several people about it instead of just contacting me.

Life is funny sometimes. I can't wait to get home. Finals are upon me and yet today I have done NOTHING. I took the longest nap I have taken all year and am now eating randomly, watching movies with the quadmates, and planning shenanigans for next semester (blanket/fort/community anyone?).

I met with my new adviser today and he is infinitely better than the last. BUT I will be taking a crap-ton of classes to graduate anywhere near 2013. BUT I've decided that if LU gets a culinary school in the next 2 years, then I will just stick around and get a second degree in that. Who knows.

I am going to walmart.
ttfn creepers!